


Cat Got Your Tongue

by CondorRadcliff



Category: BIGTOP BURGER (Web Series)
Genre: Casual Cats references, Casual Jacques Tati references, Casual Rocky Road To Dublin references, Casual Sentai references, Casual Ultraman Ace references, Clowns, Hey I'm Lag! I'm Not So Lag! And We're The Lag Lads, Hilarity, Lunch Rush - Freeform, Monster of the Week, Sound Effects, Surreal, Surrealism, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29148945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CondorRadcliff/pseuds/CondorRadcliff
Summary: Bigtop Burger is having a normal day. Then the others find a note Steve left for them, and soon Hilarity and Surrealism ensue.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Cat Got Your Tongue

Bigtop Burger was, to put it mildly, doing poorly that day. Steve had parked the truck in an commercial district, in a small green space between several large office buildings, and the breakfast, lunfast, and brunch hours had come and gone with no customers.

(Well, one customer. It appeared that Steve had improperly smoked a Juul again, because the customer had simply been a 12-foot-tall Retirement-Age Steve. He'd asked for a steak, something Bigtop Burger didn't make, and then gently descended into the sidewalk before Penny and Billie could work out what to say to him.)

"This isn't good, right?" Billie asked. "I mean, it's noon, and we don't have any customers."

A tumbleweed rolled past the truck. Two ant-sized ants began counting off steps in a duel on the sidewalk. A contingent of red balloons floated by, against the breeze. Moiseur Hulot left one high-rise office building and entered another, completely lost.

It was a normal day in the city, but Billie had learned not to question the things she saw as a server.

"Oh, I'm sure things'll pick up!" Penny said reassuringly. "Steve's never led us astray before..."

"Speaking of, have either of you seen Steve?" Tim asked.

"I think he's in his office?" Billie said. She pointed at the door to the driver's seat.

"Yeah, I checked there already." Tim held out a note-sized sheet of paper. "He left a note."

"DEAR FELLOW CLOWNS AND/OR EMPLOYEES," the note said. "I, STEVE, YOUR FELLOW HUMAN AND COWORKER/BOSS, WILL BE OUT FOR AN EXTENDED LUNCH. THERE ARE SOME INTERLOPERS IN THE AREA THAT MUST BE DEALT WITH, AND IT HAS FALLEN TO ME TO DEAL WITH THEM. WILL BE BACK IN TIME FOR THE SUPPER RUSH. YOURS IN BURGER SALES - STEVE."

Penny blinked in flustered surprised, then composed herself. "...Huh," she said. "But, er, well, yeah - he says he'll be back, so he'll be back!"

"Wonder what he's doing," Billie said to herself. "Maybe it's Zomburger again?"

In reply, Tim flipped over the bottom edge of the note without looking.

"P.S." the note continued, "IT ISN'T ZOMBURGER THIS TIME. I TOOK CARE OF THEM THIS MORNING BEFORE ANYONE WOKE UP. YOURS IN COMPLEX HAMBURGERS FOR ALL HOURS AND MANNERS - STEVE."

"Well that's good. Wasn't looking forward to getting shot at with a cannon today." Tim nodded, relieved.

"Yeah - oh, but there's more to the note, at the bottom." Penny reached over and flipped over the bottom of the bottom of the note.

"P.P.S. -- IF A TEAM OF BRIGHTLY COLORED NINETIES-ERA NINJAS AND/OR A SUPER-NEWBIE SPIRITUAL AVATAR OF NINJITSU-STUDY ASK FOR ME, PLEASE INFORM THEM 'I AM WORKING ON IT AND WILL GET BACK TO THEM WHEN IT IS FINISHED'. YOURS IN ETERNAL DEFENSE AGAINST MALIGN OOGIE-BOOGIES BOTH RURAL AND URBAN - STEVE."

"That... took a turn," Tim said. He flipped the note over a couple of times, checking for more after-the-fact additions - and upon finding none, he shrugged. "Kinda wish he'd tell us these things in person."

\----  
 _At the other end of the city..._  
\----

Steve ran, and ran, and ran, only coming to a stop in a conveniently-placed gravel yard. Even though it was high noon and late June in a Northern Hemisphere location, he showed no sign of sweating in his puffy jacket and knit hat.

He looked around. There was no sign of a rival food truck, or the customers that had been spirited away. "SHOW YOURSELVES, INTERLOPERS!" he demanded, unsheathing his sword.

"They're not here, Steve," a well-hated voice replied from nowhere. "Not like you've got any kinda reason to hunt 'em down."

Steve did not relax his form or sheathe his sword, as Cesare emerged from shadows that hadn't been there earlier. "AND YOU'VE GOT CUSTOMERS TO LOSE?"

Cesare the Zombie didn't lower his gun-cane, keeping it pointed at his hated rival. "Eat a basket of Bob's Burgers, you greased-up gremlin. They stole something waaaaay more important than gold and gems: my crewwwwwww!"

"HM! SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT TONGUE OF YOURS AS WELL--"

The two of them suddenly swung and fired as one at an empty spot in the yard; Cesare with his gun-cane and Steve with a sword-beam. There was an explosion that immediately reversed itself, the fire and smoke inhaling back into the ground. And when it was clear again, their shared foe appeared.

A tabby cat-goblin, the height and size of a man, and standing on two legs. It wore a coat made from the pelts of dogs - and a bandolier of what appeared to be human tongues. Even though it had sharp claws, it carried a staff tipped with an oversized cat's paw. "MEOWWWWWWW?!" the cat-goblin screeched in a hysteric-high feminine voice.

"Thought y'could hide, huh? From the best food trucker in the world?"

"--AND THE ZOMBIE NEXT TO HIM."

"Swig elephant piss, Steve!"

"Fools!" the cat-goblin declared. "MEOWWW that you're here, you've saved me the trouble of hunting you down!"

"RETURN THE TONGUES AND THE HUMANS YOU HAVE SPIRITED AWAY, GOBLIN," Steve said, pointing his sword, "AND WE WILL LET YOU LIVE."

Cesare pointed the tip of his gun-cane as well "The FOOL'll let'ya live; I'M still gonna kill you!"

"MYA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" the cat-goblin laughed. "You think you can defeat ME? ...andmystrongestcronies!" It snapped its fingers, somehow, and a large group of lesser white cat-goblins jumped into visibility, all armed with fishbone-styled swords.

"What is this, an off-Broadway revival?" Cesare asked sarcastically. "Get outta my way - it's time for my SOLO!"

"HM! GOBLINS - SAY BYE." Steve gave the not-Jellical cat-cronies a thumbs-down with his free hand, and charged at them with Cesare.

A Spanish Guitar-influenced rockin' fight sequence instrumental began to play.

Cat-goblin after cat-goblin fell to Steve's peerless skill with a sword, hopelessly overwhelmed individually and only barely a threat when they attacked him as a group. And whereas Cesare used his gun-cane like an epee, parrying the few strikes he allowed to come near, he was also sniping cronies who foolishly gave him distance.

They were men(?) who could trash a rival food truck on foot; getting jumped by dozens of cat-goblins was a mere speedbump in their day.

Soon, the tabby cat-goblin was alone, its cronies all returned to the ether from whence they came. "My PACK! How DARE you, food-truckers! TAKE THIS! Cat's-Eye GRAAAAAAAAVE!" It clapped its hands together and raised them, as the ground beneath Cesare and Steve turned into a giant cat's eye. The eye then dilated open into all-consuming kitten darkness, trapping its victims in a pocket dimension, which blinked away.

For a moment - a single victorious moment - everything was quiet in the gravel yard. The cat-goblin breathed a small sigh of relief. "Well that was eas-"

Then the sky cracked open, and Steve and Cesare leapt through the shattered hole in reality. They landed like superheroes in front of the cat-goblin, triumphant.

"I know what you're thinking: did we kill an interdimensional kitten to escape? HA! We BRIBED our way out of that one with cuddles and affection!" Cesare declared aggressively. "But YOU? YOU are gettin' the laser pointer, Saruman!"

Rather than say anything, Steve charged up his sword and jumped up into the air again.

Cesare aimed his gun-cane with both hands at the cat-goblin and prepared a shot. "Eat this, GumbieeEEEE!" An enormous ball of light formed at the business end. "Shillelagh! Affraaaaaaayyyyy!"

**pew**

From his gun-cane erupted a pure, straight ray: light, magnificent and holy. As wide around as a manhole cover and of such a length as to pierce mountains, so warm and humble as to read a child to sleep by - and yet of every point on the visible spectrum. A being of Evil such as the cat-goblin stood no chance against it, bathed in such concentrated Good.

All too soon the light disappeared. The cat-goblin stood in place, stunned, filled to the brim with positive feelings. Then Steve came flying down, sword ready. "STOUT BLACKTHORN CUT!"

**ting**

He landed, far more lightly than the force of the fall would ordinarily indicate, and with a chiburi, sheathed his sword. A hairline cut appeared from the cat-goblin's shoulder down to its hip, and daylight shined through. Then, it exploded into airy light, the banishment of its solidified malice completed.

All that remained of the cat-goblin was an actual cat - an appreciative-looking tabby with a collar. It slow-blinked at the two food truckers, meowed generously, and then scampered off for dinner.

"Typical Steve. You just HAD to get in the last hit, didn't you."

Steve, in response, held up a single finger. (Not the rude one.)

Victims of the cat-goblin's unnatural will began appearing in the gravel yard, one by one, in quick procession. And among the dozens were the Zomburger crew.

The big one looked around and saw Cesare. "Hey boss. Sorry boss - we got caught."

"We found them all well enough, though," the tall one said. "Next time, we'll just have to wait for you."

"Alright, alright; did the tracer work?" the one-eyed woman asked.

Cesare brought them into a group hug. "My dark and devilish heart is relieved that you're all okay. But the day isn't over until I say it's over!" 

He released them and spun around to Steve's last known position, finger pointed in virulent rivalry... but there was no Steve there.

The other victims, all amazed and thankful that their tongues were back where they were, began disappearing again with a pop. Within seconds, the Zomburger crew was alone in the gravel yard.

"...goddammit." Cesare grumbled under his breath. Then he sighed, and nodded. "Okay boys; day's over! Let's go get some wings."

\----  
 _Back at the Bigtop Burger end of the city..._  
\----

The brightly colored nineties-era ninjas must have been a good-luck charm or something, because after they left business began to boom! Customers were lining up for slightly above mediocre burgers - and hungry enough to not question why a business would call their product that.

"Two Slightly Above Mediocre Burgers, one Complex Burger, and one Simple Burger with extra - uhh - 'simple'!" Billie called out. "Hey,and, what's the wait time on that?"

"Fifteen minutes!" Tim replied, without looking up from the grill. The entire working area of it seemed to be sizzling, which made sense since there was no space on it for the next four orders.

Penny nodded and turned back to the last customers in line. "We're so sorry, but it's going to be a bit of a wait..."

"Aw no, that's fine. Just means our Pokemon break's gonna be a bit longer."

"Gotta get ready for Games Done Quick anyway."

Billie recognized the two from the internet: The Video Game Boy and Mr. Business. Together, they were the comedy duo Lag Lads. But as much as she wanted to gush over them, the food truck business (and paycheck) took precedence. And that reminded her: "Seriously, where's Steve?"

"HERE I AM, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN." With a suddenness that Billie was growing accustomed to, Steve appeared in the waiting area. "EVERYTHING IS FINE, AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED."

Penny began to say that she was reassured, but was cut off by Tim (still unable to look up from the grill). "Steve! We're fifteen minutes behind. Do something!"

"OH? WELL IN THAT CASE..."

**pop**

An instantaneous costume change later, Steve was dressed like a cat. A spotlight fell on him, and world seemed to be lit more deliberately. "PENNY MY GIRL! MY MUSIC, IF YOU WOULD."

"Ooop - coming right up!" Penny reached over to the tape deck and pressed play. Music from a Broadway musical wafted out from unseen speakers, and Steve began to sing a tender song about the fleeting moments that truly mattered.

The waiting customers fell under the magic of song and joined in, one by one. A cat had stolen their tongues earlier, and now that they'd been restored, _Cats_ flowed from them.


End file.
